Hyper Hogwarts
by butterrocksmyflipflops
Summary: 7th year is so hip and happening at Hogwarts! doesn't that name remind you of warts? anyway, only read if on sugar high! extremely...um...Interesting... stuff in here though! i promise!
1. howdy!

Chappy one and don't u forget it!

Boogey woogey….I like to boogie! Ok, this is in big font so yalls can read it JUST fine and dandy like! This is not a good fanfic so stop now if ya know what's good for ya! Ill update whenever im bored today was one of my hyperly boring days! I can't spell and I don't do grammar well when im hyper so there will be TONS of mistakes, ignore and enjoy my youth!

I don't understand the point of a disclaimer, ya know it's not my characters…that's why it's called a "FANfic" you stupid people!

Anyway, Once upon a time in a far away land called Bingaville, there lived a dude or two and a few children and some men and women, maybe a few dogs or cats, one kids got a lizard….but that's not where are story lies…….

Nope our story lies in Hogwarts school of Witch Craft and Wizardry (hence the "FANfiction" thingy above) Tis a place of peeps that can't do algebra 2, cuz they don't go to school for that, they go to school for, well, MAGIC! Anyway, yall know the story of Harry Potter and his best buds and all that stuff. Ya also know that JK Rowling is a super genius and I am NOT! Ya also know that Dumbledore is awesome and Voldie is evil, and that chickens rip up graves in the middle of the night to steal dead people's undies when they obviously don't need them anymore! But enough about the facts, here is my story:

Once upon a time Harry was in his room at the Dursley's for the last time that summer. He and Hedwig were having a dance off with his recently acquired boom box which he had gotten by stealing it from Dudley's room, of course! Hedwig was winning with the ultimate booty shaking hooting you could have ever seen when little old Aunt Petunia calls Harry down cuz it's time to go to the train for Hogwarts. Harry gathers his things, skips down stairs, blady blady blah……..

This and that happens, nothing is of interest….and Harry is at Hogwarts where our fabled story begins! Yay! I'll take this moment to burp out the "FINALLY!" that I have been wanting to belch out since the beginning of that last paragraph…was it just me or was that long? O wait! I forgot! I can't burp…sry! I know, I lied, upsetting, I promise not to do it again….im rambling….sry, back to da story!

So, where was i? ah yes! Harry met Hermione and Ron again and it was all happy do dah day cuz it was there 7th and last year and how exciting is that! Come on, it's pretty darn excitin' ! Okay! Okay! I'm typing….geez….

Ron had to use the potty REALLY bad after the feast so Neville went with him. While Ron did #2, Neville checked himself out in da mirror. He began by studying his hair but was disturbed by a loud grunting coming from the stalls. He blushed and tried to ignore and continued with the mirror activity. Groaning started to occur and then panting and wheezing and then a big loud "Aaaahhh….." followed. Ron Weasley stepped out to wash his hands while Neville was looking to see if his butt was too big for the jeans he was wearing. Anyway, they get back to the common room and there's a Howe down a happenin'! yeehaw! Ron then tangoed with Hermione during a particularly cowboy-like number and Harry joined a boogey with the Weasley twins who were back cuz they felt like being so.

Anyway, I'm bored of writing about the Howe down and the bathroom issues…..so, moving on:

The next morning, Harry jumped out of bed screaming, "Snorkel!" and then went straight to breakfast shortly followed by the other boys who were slightly disturbed by being woken in such a way. At breakfast they all sat together talking about the summer's news. During the summer Voldemort had brought the llamas and the raccoons to his side along with some more dementors who DON'T fly. The Daily prophet was writing that they had suspicions that the chickens digging up the graves would be the next to join the dark forces. Harry was not nervous at all anymore, he was tired of being super annoying and super angsty. In fact, he grew more and more excited. Dumbledore came over then with an excited jumpy look about him. He told Harry that he was back from the dead; Snape was just over excited one night and attempted but failed to kill the all powerful Dumbledore! Harry got down on his knees and licked the floor in happiness. Soon everyone in the great hall did the same. Dumbledore then told Harry of the latest news; Voldemort had gotten Darth Vader on his side too! They would now have to be equipped with shiny-glowy swords as well as their wands! Harry imedently called a purple colored one or else he wouldn't have one at all. Dumbledore threw a fit though cuz that's HIS favorite color! How dare Harry try to have the all powerful Dumbledore's favorite? Color! Gggrrr….That growl set Harry in his place and he settled for a pink one instead.

Classes went fine, Hermione was Hermione, Ron was Ron, Harry was Harry, magic was done, people were taught, teachers yelled, students yawned, and what do you know…the day was over! Yay! Harry went to Dumbledore and the discussed Voldemort, and then it was bed time. Yay, sleep rocks! yawn that reminds me, im tired! Goodnight! Everyone must sleep now, It is 11 PM we must sleep cuz the chickens will arrive at the graves to dig soon….one more hour…I hope they don't steal Lily or James Potter's undies, that would be mean……. Welp, night!


	2. howdy yall!

Chappy 2:

Yay, I gots a review! Woot woot! Go reviewer you rock! No one reads the author note anyway so…..bye

O! Wait, sry…Once again I don't own nothing…I don't got nothing….whatever you're supposed to say for a disclaimer…. Now bye!

Anyway next day…..it was breakfast time! Harry didn't wake up saying, "snorkel", sorry. Nope He woke up singing, "When the bright sun comes up in the East, and the little birdys go tweet! Tweet! Tweet! Time for us all to get up and eat….some….BREAKFAST!" So the other boys got up and they all were forced to sing the song all the way down to breakfast.

Ron took some wizard pills that Seamus gave him. Don't worry! They were just headache reducer pills! Seamus told Ron to only take only one because symptoms may include: itchy heels, singing pimples, fast growing fingernails, and porcupines become intensely attracted to you. Ron ignored him and took 2 pills because Harry was extra annoying this morning. For example, at that very moment Harry was batting his eyelashes at no other than Draco Malfoy, King of all Slytherin people under the age of 18!no don't worry fair readers, this is not some stupid slash story, I'm not that hyper! Nope, this is just Harry's way of making Malfoy pay. Ron just happened to find it to be a weird way to embarrass Malfoy. But it was working! Malfoy was indeed not enjoying this, everyone was laughing at him for the spaghetti's sake! His once pale face had actually turned red.

So then some things happen…… blady blah…….time passes by….Hermione does well in class…..Neville wets himself………some more things happen……….blah balh blah…………BLAH………blady blah……………bladybladybladyblah……………some people talk………..Dumbledore rules the world………..bblah blah blah………… blady-blah brains…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………and then our story returns a week later and Harry, Snape, Ron, and Dumbledore are skipping around Hagrid; while Hagrid holds Fang above his head yelling, "Bingaville rocks my flip flops!" over and over and over again!

Dumbledore soon joins hands with Ron and they look deep in each others eyes. Their bodies are somewhat closer than they really need to be but….ANYWAY, neither of them is blinking. They stand like that for a few minutes…maybe an hour…then they inch even closer. Now it is too close for anyone's comfort but they don't seem fazed by it. Snape and Harry are too busy to notice. They are playing Toss the Flobberworm as Hagrid runs, screaming, between the two, trying to get them to stop torturing the poor beautiful creatures! Think of it as a monkey in the middle type of game, only Hagrid is more like a gorilla….King Kong maybe….

Anyway, back to Ron and Dumbledore! Their eyes are glazed as if they are in another world, a world with just the two of them in it. They get even closer, their noses actually touching!

Then, Ron blinks.

"Yay! I win!" Dumbledore screams! He breaks down into an Irish jig. Harry, Snape, and Hagrid stop their game to clap the beat out for Dumbledore. Ron hangs his head in shame, after all, he was beaten by an old coot!

"The old coot strikes again!" Dumbledore yips. Of course Dumbledore is reading Ron's mind like he always seems to do so Ron is not terribly shocked. Ron cheers up and joins the jig. The jig around Hagrid, they jig around his hut, they jig around the whole school and fall into a rut!

"Gosh dang it! We fell into a pothole!"

"pooper scoopers!"

"OMG! Poop? Where?"

"haha, I didn' fall in! My butt 's too big ter fit in there! Haha…"

"Shut up Hagrid or I will have you expelled!"

"Proffessor Snape, Hagrid was already expelled….a long time ago…."

"o…Well, I'll…I'll…..JUST HELP US OUT OF HERE!"

"Alrigh' , sure, jus' let me have meself a cup o' tea firs', I've done way ter much runin', not good fo' my type o' body yer see…."

"NO!"

"Hagrid!"

"You can't leave us here!"

"I want my Mommy!"

"….."

Two nights later:

"He forgot about us"

"Don't worry, I'm Harry Potter! I'll get us out of here!" (Heroic music sounds in the background)

"No! Harry, it's too dangerous! I have tried to protect you from all this…Danger…since, like, you were born! You musn't risk your life!"

"Dumbledore…"

"Don't Dumbleydorey ME, what I say goes, that's FINAL!"

"…."

"okay!"

"I want my Mommy!"

"…."

5 nights after that:

"I'm missing TONS of school work!"

"Hermione, where did you come from?"

"O, I've…um…I just came down to say hello"

"How did you know we were here?"

"Hagrid told me. He took over the world while you were down here and he rules hand in hand with Voldemort, LITRERALLY! They are vacationing in Switzerland right now, skipping about on the beach"

"I shall save the day!"

"NO!"

"Dumbly…"

"No!"

"Fine!" grumbles….

"I want my Mommy!"

"Snape! SHUT UP!" (Everyone screams)

The next day:

"Hey! I'm Dumbledore!"

"Erm…..yes, seeing that you look like him, talk like him, act like him…"

"no no, I mean , IM DUMBLEDORE!"

"erm…"

"I'm Dumbledore! The most all powerful dude to ever exist!"

"I still don't get it"

"I can use MAGIC to get us outta here!"

"ooooooooo…."

"cool!"

"Why didn't we think of that before?"

"Hurry up then, I'm missing potions class!"

"erm, no your not, I'm Snape, the all powerful potions master! No one has been teaching potions for several days, your not missing anything"

"o"

"Hey, Snape? I forgot to ask why you are hear and why Harry is not killing you because you killed Dumbledore…"

"Dumbledore's not dead"

"I know, but…"

"He's getting us out of the rut Ron, how can he be dead?"

"Yeah, but, didn't Snape try to…."

"Ron, you make no sense, you're absolutely mental, and how could Snape even try to kill me, the all powerful Dumbledore?"

"I didn't…"

"That's right, you didn't think! Now let's get out of this pothole…."

So they magic themselves out of the pothole, tame the now wild Hagrid! The only thing they need to deal with now it….dun dun dun dun ….VOLDEMORT! But that's for another chappy cuz my fingers sure are tired, aren't your eyes tired? Yup, they are, and if not, ill make them tired:

Your getting sleepy….very sleepy…..the light of the computer is too bright for your eyes…..a nap could help make those eyes extra jumpy and youthful and hyper and….hey! Eyes can't do that stuff can they….o well, YOU'RE TIRED OF READING THIS NOW SO GOODBYE!


	3. Howdy yall, the sun is shining brightly!

Chappy 3:

So I gots more reviews! Yaya! My first reviewer rocks my flip flops cuz I don't know that reviewer, and I know the other…3, well actually 2 cuz 2 reviews were done by same person….whatever! on wit da story!

So after the rut escapade, Ron had to take way more headache reducer pills. Harry was, well, Harry! He acted as if the whole thing was nothing so he would come across so brave and all! Dumbledore wrote down his adventure in his all powerful diary only he added a dragon and a bunny rabbit to make him seem more…great. Hermione made up all her homework on the first night; no one knows exactly how she did that, but…. It is rumored that it involved an alligator tail, gobs of peanut butter, and brick painted lemon meringue pie yellow. And Snape, well he never skipped around and played games with his enemy, Potter, ever again.

McGonagall, however you spell her name, was having a transfiguration class for Gryffindor the day they got back. Ron, Harry, and Hermione had just come back from breakfast and took seats in the front row. Well blady-blah- and what do ya know, the class was finally over! Yay!

So then they went to…Herbology. Half way through the class Harry sneezed. Everyone said bless you. Hermione sneezed. Everyone said bless you. Everyone sneezed! Everyone said bless you. Then the class was over.

So THEN the trio is walking through the hallways on the way to….I'll make them go to Charms……on the way to Flitwick's Charms class. Walky, walky, they are walking….Hermione is, of course reading notes as she goes……walky, walking, walk…..Harry is picking his nose and doing last minute homework….walked, walking, walk, walky-talky……Ron is twitching uncontrollably and being followed by a pack of porcupines…..

"AAaaahhh…. Whats up with Ron?"

"huh? Wha? O, Ron? I don't know…o looky Hermione! I got a big one this time!"

"Eww…Harry put that back up your nose and help me get Ron to the hospital…How do we get past these porcupines?"

Harry looks at his booger stupidly while contemplating how he was going to stuff that colossal thing back up his nose…..

"Harry! HELP!"

"Have no fear….Harry Potter is here!"

Harry is rather relieved that his troubles have ended by the simple idea of wiping the booger onto Ron's robes and poses in a rather heroic looking stance. So after that Hermione finally gets Ron to the hospital wing as well as Harry and herself. All three are now covered in needles from the porcupines which are now thankfully locked on the other side of the hospital wing door.

Hermione and Harry recover and leave only to come back again after being attacked by the cuddly porcupines. The next day they are still trapped in there.

"Hermione? Is it just me or is this the rut incident all over again?"

"No, but I am missing my classes again!"

"We wish you a Happy Christmas…We wish you a happy Easter…We wish you a Happy Birthday…."

"Ron, tell your singing pimples to STOP singing!"

"I can't help it! Seamus TOLD me not to take so many of those pills….stupid symptoms…" he grumbles as his pimples break out into a chorus of Ring around the Rosie

"Fine then, at least you can stop itching your heels with those repulsively long fingernails!"

"…stupid symptoms…."

They are stuck in the hospital wing for a week. Ron got many requests for…um…visits from the porcupines and Harry gave up and joined the pimples in singing songs. Luckily Madame Pomfrey made Ron feel a little better and they were all aloud to leave. Ron was still followed by 3 or 4 porcupines and his pimples made comments every so often, but hey, at least his fingernails were back to normal and he could resist the itching on his heels.

So thus ends the headache-reducer-pill-symptom-escapade and everything went pretty much back to normal, besides the fact that they had to make up a lot of work, magic has never been normal, Ron still has porcupines following him and some that HAVE to be magical cuz they turn up cuddling with him in the morning, therefore Ron makes daily stops in the hospital wing and plus, nothing you will read in this story is normal! (even for the magical world!)

K, this was a bad chapter but I wrote it any way cuz I didn't feel like doing homework but I had to make it look like I was so I could do what I wanted and this wasn't it but at least I could not do homework but make it look like I was tying up a report which I don't have…..opps! I'm babbling, again. I'll stop. Write again later when I'm hyper or bored, whichever comes first….bye yall!


	4. skim milk is better than 2 percent

Chappy 4:

Woot woot, I heart my first reviewer! Hehe, ya clicked on my story by accident but that's ok because I find that funny and I heart funny! I laughed so hard!  Anyway, thanks for liking the story, I'm awful surprised that you do. And ya like my namey0thingy! Yay for butter! Actually I hate butter, but it is still cool! Yay!

Now I shall do an impersonation of other fan fic writers: "Tell your HP fan friends about my story!" haha….sry, im hyer (obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be writing another chapter! Duh!) Actually I don't care if my readers tell others or not….I just HAD to say that cuz it's funny how ALL the fanfic writers say that….okay I'll stop. On wit da story then! YAY!

So it was around Christmas time now and Hogwarts was all a buzz. If you don't believe me then ask Snape, he was decked out in bright Red with a lion on the front and had frogs hopping from his ears….o no wait, that was a joke the Weasley twins put on him….never mind. So I guess that wasn't Christmas cheer….it wasn't very Christmassy either….poo…..

O well! It was still Christmas, whether or not people were celebrating! Hermione wasn't really in the spirit; she was still studying those notes! Harry was eating candy and humming a song that sounded and awful lot like Happy Birthday. Ron was reading a magazine but he kept getting interrupted by a pimple or two that would burst out in a Christmas carol every five minutes. Neville was painting his nails a nice green, whats-her-name was doing kart wheels round the room, and whats-his-face was trying to climb on top of the fireplace mantel. All was going swell……..until Voldemort came down the chimney instead of Santa Claus.

The common room filled with groans of disappointment. Only one gasp of shock was heard and that was from the girl Voldemort was kissing under the mistletoe…hey that's Hermione! Eeww……..

Anyway, after that….er….exciting kiss, Voldemort jumped over the kart wheeling girl, landed on Ron's magazine(his pimples started to yell) , then he knocked over Neville's nail polish, grabbed Harry and went back up the chimney knocking over the boy who had just managed to climb the mantle.

"wwwaaaaa……a very ugly Santa Claus just took Harry away to his toy factory without giving us any presents!"

"Ron, that wasn't Santa"

"dudes, that was one lazy Santa; you would have thought he could grow his beard back when he comes back from vacation!"

"Lavender, that wasn't Santa"

"Hey, we must have been very bad this year!"

"WWWWAAAAAAAAAa……" (everyone cries)

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH………..IT WASN"T SANTA CLAUS! FOR CHEESE-SAKE PEOPLE, SANTA DOESN"T EXIST!"

"……………."

"Hermione! Way to ruin our childhood!"

"yeah, you big meany!"

"There's no Santa?"

"wwwaaaaa…..wwaaa…."

"NO! I mean, there is a Santa, but that wasn't him. I just said that because it could grab your attention."

"o"

"How do YOU know that wasn't Santa, the all powerful wizard who makes toys?"

" Because, the real Santa is married to Mrs. Claus. That "Santa" kissed me under the mistletoe!"

"CHEATER SANTA! CHEATER SANTA!" (everyone chants angrily)

Lalalalalala…….

La

Lala

Lalala

Lalalalala……

Meanwhile, back at the evil-doom-lair-of-evilnees-like-death-eaters-dementors-and-the-like, Harry sat with Voldemort discussing their issues over some tea. Voldemort sat on a bright pink pillow and Harry sat on a baby yellow one. Yes, they sat on PILLOWS and the pillows were floating in the air too! They both sipped their tea out of tiny, baby blue cups. Voldemort looked at Potter strangely:

"Why did you make tea for us Potter?"

"Where's Potter? O, I mean…hehe…would you look at that, I am Potter, aren't I?"

"What are you getting at Potter? Of course you are Potter?"

"But how can you be so sure? Can you feel it? I mean, can you really FEEL that I am Potter? Is it in you gut?"

Voldemort closed his eyes and grunted like a pig for a bit. He started jerking around. His tongue hung out and was wagging ferociously.

"YES! I can feel it! Now I shall kill you! Mmuuuaahhhaahaaa….thanks for the tea! It shall be your last…….tea!"

"Wait! I'm not Harry Potter!"

"You're not?"

"You know, you are so sweet…I didn't know you had it in you to say such kind words! Honestly, 'thanks', wow, I'm going to call this day, 'The-Day-EVIL-said-THANKS'! It's Brilliant!"

"Don't get off the subject, are you or aren't you Harry Potter?"

"Maybe maybe not…."

"TELL ME!"

"….i love potions class…."

"I said tell me!"

"….and Hermione…"

"Tell….you love Hermione? But….but…You cant have her! She loves me! I'm the one that kissed her tonight!"

"How dare you!"

"mmmuuuhhhaahhhaaa…."

grumbles

"Now, are you bloody Potter or are you not?"

"Actually, I'm not bloody at all. I didn't get scratched or…."

"No, That's not what I meant!"

"no, that's not what I meant?"

"what?"

"huh?"

"O cut it out!"

"oooooo, you WANT me to be bloody Potter?"

"yes!"

"Well, hand me some scissors…"

"No!ggrrrr…."

"huh?"

"Come on just tell me if your Potter or not and I promise to not hurt you, or bother you again"

"okay"

"….."

"well?"

"well what?"

"uuuhhh….you CANT be serious!"

"Nope. I'm not Sirius, he is dead and gone, no thanks to you!"

"wha? O, gggrrrr…..you irritate me!"

"I'm sorry; here let me give you a back massage…"

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! I just want to kill you, Potter."

"…did I mention that I like potions and Hermione?"

"I'd prefer not to get back to that…."

"Well if it wasn't for Hermione and the polyjuice potion in the first place….."

"What? Polyjuice potion?"

"Yeah, we made it in 2nd year."

"That was like….1…2….3…..4…5…6. 6 years ago!"

"Yeah, well we had extras and I always wanted to have a cool looking scar for a day…."

"So you're not Harry?"

"Maybe, maybe not! You have to be sure. Can you FEEL it…."

"O, SHUT UP! I'll just wait for the potion to wear off, then I'll be able to see if you are or not!"

"O goody! That gives me enough time to get you a pink chair, a manicure, a Witch Weekly magazine, a big bear hug, and maybe a few more things….hhmmmm"

"O, farting fries!"


	5. quite humoroushehe

Chappy 5

K, I'm SHOUTING, I SAID SHOUTING! IM SHOUTING OUT TO YOU, TALKINGISCOOL! SHOUT! You make me wanna shout, put my hands up and shout….o yeah….shout! Yay! Hooray for my lovely singing! Thanx for the comments! You are over kind to my story. It is seriously not that great or that funny, it just happens to be random….yup, so I'M DONE SHOUTING!

Swans danced in cabinet and all was merry and good.

Techno rocked in my apple sauce and all was great.

The capital of Kenya, Africa is Nairobi.

Lollipops should just be called pops and soda is soda not pop.

Rabbits frolic in the fields, not little girls named Katie.

These were just some of the dreams that went through Harry/Hermione/Ron/Neville's head. Yup, that's confusing but it's true. They all took polyjucie potion because they wanted to twist and shout. They overdosed on the potion, a big overdose! Instead they got Harry wanted to be Neville but Neville's hair had some of Hermione's in it from when she leaned over his homework to help the day before. Hermione and Ron wanted to switch places but Ron also wanted a scar so he put both Harry and Hermione's hairs in to his. This confusion grows and grows, im kinda of bored of my attempt to explain it. So, to make a long story short, the…thing that was with Voldemort looked like Harry, acted like Neville (hence the…gayness), thought like Ron(hence the fondness for Hermione and general stupid confusion), and had fingers that were just as crafty as Hermione so...the thing, could use a wand pretty well to make pink fluffy pillows for Voldemort's very black bedchamber.

"My bedchamber is black to give it the creepy, evil look!"

"Why in the WORLD would you want a creepy evil look for a bedroom?"

"Because, I am a creepy, evil guy! My room should look like I feel!"

"Man, you really need some therapy!"

"GET YOURSELF AND YOUR…..PILLOWS, OUT OF MY BEDCHAMBER!"

Lalalalala….

Lalalalala….

Im thinking….

Lalalala….

Actually, I think im gonna change scenes…..

Lalala….

So back at Hogwarts, the horrified Gryffindors had finally stopped chanting! Now Hermione, Ron , and Neville were not really Hermione, Ron, and Neville. You must remember that they took all that confusing polyjucie crap that I attempted to explain above. I'm way too lazy, and such a bad writer so Im gonna let you figure out how they are twisted around….yeah….so….

"I have an idea! Will you fly me up there?"

"NO! There is no way I'm going to fly you up there!"

"Do you even know where there is?"

"No"

"Neither do I"

"…..okay….so what do we do?"

"I have an idea! We can go save me!"

"Wha?"

"I mean, we can go save…Harry! The three of us can handle Voldemort! And if not, I'll save the day!"

"um…..Hermione…..where is Harry? Plus it is all dangerous and stuff. We need to read up on this stuff more. Lets go to the library and look up where we can find an evil dark lord's lair."

"yeah….Neville, is right. We don't know where to go."

"okay, fine, yet again you stop me from having revenge and be a hero, I see how it is…."

"…sure….now lets get going!"

Walky walky, they are walking…….

Walking….

Walky….. walky….. walky…..

They are still walking……..walky and talky walky walky walky……….

Some walking is being done here……

Stomp stomp, clomp, clomp, tip, tap, flip, flop…hey! Flip Flops! Flip flops rock my flip flops!

Ron picks up a piece of gum from the floor and munches on it…………………….

Walky talky walky munchy………………

Okay, now they are closer to the library. But they are suddenly stopped by a gang of karate fighting koala bears! Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh….it's scary! They are scared! I am scared! Aaahhhh………..

Ok I'm back from hiding under my desk…..the coast is clear, for me but not for them.

The koala bears start chanting something about forks and bouncy balls as they make there way towards the three…..things.

Hermione rushes forward and says "Stop! In the name of Dumbledore! I shall be a hero at last!" Then she lay down on the floor made a deep face of concentration.

Ron joins her and thinks about plants, and how great his hair looked with his sweater. Neville pulled out his wand and started stunning the koalas. It wasn't working so he pulled out a book on koala bears from his bag and started to read about them. Luckily the koala bears had found a more interesting target: Snape. They were karate chopping him to pieces! Hermione stood up and said "Hooray I saved the day! Did you see that! I did it with my mind…." Ron stood up confused, Neville put his book away and they continued the rather long walk to the library. O, Bye the way, no need to worry, Snape doesn't die, Draco Malfoy comes to save him. Koalas see Draco and fall in love. Up to this day Draco always has an evil looking Koala on his shoulder dressed up in a frilly yellow dress or something.

So they get to the library and completely forget why they are there. They stand there staring. Neville knows but gets distracted looking at other more fascinating books like HOW TO BABBLE LIKE AN IDIOT MUGGLE. After a while they grow hungry and resort to eating books when the librarian ( forgot her name and too lazy to remember it) is looking the other way.

The next day they remember and begin their search. Unfortunately they find nothing because they ate the whole "evil-lairs" section of the library! This is bad so they go to the librarian. She looks at them and is about to ask, "Can I help you?" When, she is thrown up on. The three then say at the same time, "Can you find a book in this…stuff that's about evil lairs?"

Blady blah, this story is going to the oranges….it is bad….

Bah bah black sheep have you any wool…..oooooo…..idk ma'am idk ma'am, I guess it's about three bags full…..

This extraordinary song and the "girls just wanna have fun" song were stuck in Voldemort's head at the same time. When ever he tried to speak that day it just came out as something like this:

" Kill the black sheep...idk Girl, just stuff it in a bag of fun……bah…bah….BAH!"

And so ends that day….blady blah…time is passing…..baldy blah, okay now we are on Christmas Day. YAY! But…Harry is staying with Voldemort for the holidays. That morning he cooks breakfast, pancakes in the shape of elephants, and decorates the house in pink and green. He even made Voldemort dress up like a Christmas tree, because you see, Voldemort didn't get a tree this year (I know, awful forgetful and silly of him!) and so…Harry HAD to decorate SOMETHING up in ornaments! So he chose Voldemort. He decked him in Green and hung ornaments on his clothes, ears, nose, etc. Voldemort was surprisingly cheerful about it all.

"O, Voldie! I think your improving! This is the first day that I haven't seen you grumbling! Yay! We should sing a song!"

"mmmuuuhhhhaaahhhaaa…..today is the day I kill you Harry! A polyjuice potion can never last this long! Happy Christmas! Adveda Kedav-BAH! O plump spices! It's that stupid girl sheep again!"

"…erm…great! You …erm…should have females in your life! I think it would work out better if she wasn't a sheep…but, whatever floats your boat…."

"WILL YOU SHUT YOUR –BLACK- MOUTH?"

gasp "My mouth is black? Aahhh…. I'm going to the potty to clean up!"

"No! Come back! I need to kill you….ma'am…idk…..It'll be fun….bah!"

Hi

Blady ………………blah……

Guess what?

I'm creating space…..

Cuz I need to change scenes……

Actually, im tired…..

Blady balh………

Maybe ill leave the chapter here……………

Yupyupyup, me likes the idea very much! Bye people of da world! Leave a review if ya feel like it! I know this stuff is bad, it gets worse every chapter but I don't mind being yelled at, it's humorous! So leave some if you're bored! ; )


	6. stop signs smell like candy tarts

Chappy 6:

Disclaimer: I don't own a single thing!

Hi! Story time!

So Ron Hermione and Neville somehow manage to find where Harry was in voldemort's evil-doom-lair-of-evilnees-like-death-eaters-dementors-and-the-like! Yay for them! Now alls they had to do was get there! They manage to ditch school for a bit to find them, The All Powerful Dumbledore came too (of course!). It took them a month or so but that was because Hermione wanted to take the high road and Neville wanted to take the low road, so the disagreement was solved by a toad and they decided to go through a swamp, then Dumbledore got distracted in candy land and it took quite a LONG time to get him to continue with the journey. O, of course there were the issues like no maps and way too many porcupines wanted to join them……then they had to have a soul search meeting when Dumbledore went into depression from the loss of his beloved candy land! Many questions that they had deep in their hearts were answered during this time.

"What is the meaning of life?"

"candy"

"a book mentions It somewhere im sure…."

"breathing"

"Why is the sky blue?"

"well muggles tend to believe…."

"the rhino/hippo/raven creature does it, light blue in the day, dark blue in the night…"

"a giraffe comes and takes me away to a place I like to call, snorkleshelpubreatheunlessuinhalewithurnoseinsteadofurmouthville."

"Which way does the red river of the broken clock scream for his mommy?"

"mommy?"

"Water bottles make great pets!"

"You know, this question is cuts really deep into my soul! I like this chat, it's helping me so much! O the joy of life! I see it! I FEEL it! I want to boogey down to it!"

And with that they all got up and went to a near buy store. There they bought dresses that would remind you of a Shepard girl stripper outfit. They bought little canes to go with them and all four went into a bar and started to boogey down! The drunks clapped so loud that they seriously believed they were good. So, with Dumbledore as their lead dancer, they went to sign up for ballet classes. They spent many months training and performing. Dumbledore became famous as the only old man in the world to ever to split leaps across the floor, Hermione was the first to ever actually dance on a dime, without falling off the dime, Ron was amazing at duets with hamsters, and Neville became a ballet extraordinaire when he choreographed his own piece in which he entitled: "Purple monkeys on the Lake Ontario"

It was a few months more before they remembered their original mission: PIG OUT AT CANDY LAND! So they rushed over ASAP and ate anything chocolate-y (Dumbledore tried some kind of melted brownie on the ground but it sort of reminded him of camel poop), vanilla-y, gummy bears were a favorite…..

Well the word "camel" triggered Ron's brain. And yes, this was the real Ron, the potions why quite warn off by now….. yup, so Ron remembered that their original mission was to STAY AWAY from Candy Land. Hermione them remembered Harry was trapped and they needed to rescue him! Oh no! Poor Harry poooter pants! I mean….Potter, Harry Potter. (This memory was, btw, triggered by the word "lamppost")

So off they went to save Harry. They found it rather funny that Harry, the overconfident hero, ACTUALLY needed to be saved! OMG! How funny! Get out! NO way! Hahahahahahaha……..IT'S FUNNY PEOPLE! IT'S FUNNY!

So they walky, talky, munchy, some more………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………and they're there! Yay! Yippee! Woot woot!

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………but Harry Potter wasn't.

Instead, an insanely evil dude named Voldemort was. H was also insanely rude, I mean, COME ON, you should AT LEAST invite your guests in when they knock on your door! You should do ANYTHING but chuck pineapples at them cursing yourself for not bringing your wand with you to the door! (How rude! Ggrrr….)

Where was Harry?

? where? Where? Where?where?

Voldemort, Dumbledore, Hermione, Ron, and Neville wanted to know. When all the pineapples had been chucked, this question was brought up through shouts of wand curses back and forth (Voldemort had finally run back in to get his) they agreed to a treaty at last: Find Harry together, then kill each other. So all was well and they all shared the pineapples over a bonfire! Aliens came down to join this totally awesome bonfire, so did Julius Caesar, and DoDo man (also known as Dominic something-or-other who is an actor for LOTR movies, but he goes by DoDo man to me, so hehe!) It was all fine and dandy but they really had to go find Harry, Hermione was getting a little freaked out about school make up work. So off they went with……MORE WALKING!

Walky walky

Walky a-walky a-walky

Ok im done now

So they searched high and low, wide and thin, deep and steep….and NO Harry! OMG Where is the stinkin' Potter? Planting with pots? It was worth a shot, they looked in Herbology classrooms everywhere, gardens of every home in London, and all the green houses they could find…..no Pooter, I mean, Potter.

They where getting tired, well everyone but Voldemort and Dumbledore, they were really hitting it off. Skipping together holding hands as they all went along, one might find it_……………………………creepy._

Then they FINALLY found him. He was back at the evil-doom-lair-of-evilnees-like-death-eaters-dementors-and-the-like (right there! Ggrr….) He was posed in his hero stance, while looking at himself in the mirror. THIS WHOLE TIME! HE was in the BATHROOM? What in the octopus? I am ticked off….All that searching…WASTED! (not to mention all that typing! Geez!)

Anyway, the treaty was over, the skipping completed, the wands pulled out. Voldemort didn't know who to kill first….luckily, Harry decided!

"Why, Hello people of the world! No need to thank me for saving the mirror from boredom! It got a good few months of attention!"

Now Voldemort was really, down right, pissed off! I you ask me, he had a right to be, all that nonsense skipping…..

"Avada Keda-"

He stopped out of pure shock. Harry had just hugged him and skipped out of the room humming a tune of bravery.

"You shall never kill me Voldemort! I am Harry Potter! I choose the side of good! Good always wins with out fighting! I hug you because…I love you, I love my enemy!" An new all powerful hero stance is formed. By the looks of it, he's had time to practice these stances! Ggrr….

Hermione runs over to Harry and grabs his shoulder forcing him to look at her. Then she lets go of his shoulder and walks back beside Ron.

So Harry Flow Powered to Hogwarts. You would think that Hogwarts had top notch security but obviously not, you can just flow powder it on in there from an evil dude named Voldemort's lair for Garbage-Composts sake! Anyway he got there and so did the others, feeling a little stupid because they walked everywhere when they could have used magic.

Once there, Ron jumps over Harry's head and grabs a foot from behind himself and brings it up to touch the back of his knee to his head. Harry is impressed and claps for him. He starts bowing to the flexible boy but stops. Realizing that he is to brave and noble and courage , and he should not bow to a guy that should become one with the crocodiles, even if that dude is his, like, friend!

So they made up homework, it was quite a bit. The next day was graduation, they had passed because Dumbledore let them. They were proud that they actually came back for 7th year when they thought they would not the end of last year. Welp, that was when they though Dumbledore was dead, and look, he lives! He is all powerful! He lives again! He probably lives again quite a lot because, well he is rather TOO old. But I don't care! HE LIVES! O yeah…o yeah….Dumbledore rocks my flip flops! O yeah….woot woot!

So, where was I? O yes, maggots had recently joined forces with Voldemort and where taking over the world!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………………………………………………………………………………………………….aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

A white, feather quill floats down upon Harry's desk and he grabs it and immediately stuffs it up his nose. Everyone follows suit. And all is well in the magical world.


	7. i heart da numba 7! it be lucky!

Chappy 7:

Yay! I heart reviews because that's the only time I actually get email! Yay! Woot woot!

Any way, thanks peeps!

Once again I don't own anything; I'm too stupid to come up with the genius-ness of HP!

So…this story is back for another chapter! I can't think of how to start. I guess the only thing I can start with is that Graduation was almost approaching and Ron had turned into grape jelly. No one knows how, no one knows why, no one knows which jar he resides in today, alls they know is that now, he is jelly; Grape jelly to be precise. Hermione was the only one miserably searching for him day in and day out. It wasn't uncommon to find her talking to her PB&J sandwich at lunch, or a random Jar of grape jelly at Hogsmeade's Aunt Mary's Jam shop. Harry followed her everywhere. His duty was to eat the grape jams that Hermione had already talked to; thus eliminating them so she wouldn't accidentally have a conversation with the same jar. Lately, Harry had started to look rather purple. He also tended to stick to his seat after class was over. Snape usually took this as a hint that Harry wanted some more lectures.

The days progressed and no Ron. But seeing as all my chapters tend to be searching for someone, I'll make this search quick.

They found Ron! Yay! He was in a Strawberry-Kiwi jam. They knew it was him because it he was GRAPE jelly in a Strawberry-kiwi jelly jar! Duh! Hermione then gave him to the house elves (they were the only ones who could help; she tried to pay them) The house elves in the Kitchens were supposed to put him over the fire for a few hours and then role him out with a rolling pin. With a little bit of flower and some tomatoes, he would be the same old Ron soon enough. This plan didn't work out well. They got as far as heating him up but were then amazed by the amount of jelly in their pot after heating it that they thought it would make a lovely jam dessert that night!

By dessert time, everyone was about to eat this yummy looking jelly when Hermione ran up to the front of the room and screamed "DON'T EAT THE DESSERT! IT IS NOT GRAPE JELLY! IT IS RON! THAT INCLUDES YOU MALFOY! I THOUGHT YOU ONLY ATE SOPHISTICATEDLY RICH FOOD? I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WOULD STOOP SO LOW AS TO EAT WEASLEY QUALITY FOOD!"

"Everyone screamed, "eeewwww………" and there was a grape jelly food fight. Dumbledore really got into the spirit of things; he had a war mask made of grape jelly on his face. Draco had fun too; he was up on the tables doing an Irish jig as he went smashing Ron into every face he could possibly smack him into. Harry was also on tables, growling like a lion and literally pouncing on his victims, clobbering them with the grape jelly that was foaming out of his mouth.

In the end Hermione had to put numerous freezing, or stunning charms on the whole Great Hall. She had to put 5 on Professor McGonagall, who wouldn't stop, but continued to chase kids around the room, dumping plates and plates of the dessert on their heads(all this was one while screaming like a chimpanzee) Hermione managed to freeze her as she was split leapin' it over Neville's head.

So the whole room was frozen while Hermione swept Ron up with a wave of her wand. She stomped to the kitchens and this time she supervised the house elves as they went about with their tasks. Thus ended her pity for house elves and Ron's liking for grape jelly and pig meat.

"Whoosh!"

"Whoosh!"

"Whoosh!"

"Whoosh!"

"Whoosh!"

"ZAP!"

"Whoosh!"

"Whoosh!"

"Whoosh!"

"Whoosh!"

"Whoosh!"

"ZAP!"

"Whoosh!"

"Whoosh!"

"Whoosh!"

"Whoosh!"

"Whoosh!"

"ZAP!"

"Harry what are you doing?"

" Hey you guys are back from the kitchens! Great to see you again Ron!"

"That's not Harry that a great purple, sticky monster! Aahhh…. Run for your lives!"

"Ron, That IS Harry and you look much like that yourself"

"yeah, only_ I_ got tomatoes on me! So HA!"

"………"

"sure, so, Harry? What ARE you doing?"

"I'm am playing a game! Wanta join?"

He then explained the rules.

"How were you playing that by yourself?"

"I wasn't by myself silly! I had my friends, Hank and Bombasha with me!"

"who?"

"where?"

"There! Look, Hank, this is Ron, Ron this is Hank"

"……."

"Where's Hank?"

"Right next to you! You don't see him?"

"no"

"What about Bombasha? You GOTTA see her, she gives me advice on how to be around your sister"

"WHAT!"

"Only joking!"

The boring conversation is interrupted by Crabbe and Goyle entering the Gryffindor common room.

"AAAaaahhh…………….Slytherins are taking over the common room! Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh……."

Harry and Ron screamed like banshees, while running around the common room in circling patterns that are awful hard to describe; The rest of the Gryffindors stood around watching them dumbly. (meaning, mouths hung open, drool, not really understanding the crisis….you know)

smack!

stick!

"By jove!"

"Well, isn't this just smashing!"

"…..uh, sure, Harry, just fine and dandy! We only just SMASHED into Crabbe and Goyle!"

"duh, um, don't talk about us like we're not here Weasley! Or….or…we'll tell MALFOY!"

"You can't tell Malfoy! Your stuck to us!"

"Please, Goyle, have mercy! I beg of you…."

"Shut up Potter! I'm not here to listen to this!"

"your not here to be stuck by jelly to us either!"

"I said shut up!"

"Why ARE you in the Gryffindor common room anyway?"

"We…we….we were trying to find the kitchens"

"By yourselves?"

"…..yes…."

"sry, fellows, kitchens are not even close to here!"

"no dip!"

"there's no dip? Oh no! What else will we dip our chips in?"

"……."

Then Neville walked in reading Pleasure of Herbs. Then, without even noticing the jelly trapped Slytherins, turned and walked back out.

"pick an number between one and 14"

"16!"

"WOW! You guys really ARE stupid! I bet the cavemen are smarter than you!"

"nuh-uh!"

"yuh-huh"

"nuh-uh!"

"yuh-huh"

"nuh-uh!"

"yuh-huh"

"It looks like we are stuck with grape jelly!"

"……….."

"we ARE stuck with grape jelly"

"Well I have a plan! I'll save the day!" (Harry attempts to make a hero stance but he is stuck to Goyle."

So Ron and Harry get Goyle and Crabbe(why doesn't anyone say their names in that order?) to eat their way out of the jelly trap.

When everything is settled the exchange the numerous cheek-kisses that Europeans do, and then Goyle and Crabbe depart. Harry and Ron decide it is about time that they went up and actually took a shower. Hermione and the rest still stare dumbly where the jelly-sticking adventure had recently taken place. Lily and James come back from the dead, flop around like fish for a bit, and then disappear again. The crowd continues to stare dumbly.

Clap clapclapclapclap clap clapclapclapclap….

YAY! Chapter is over!


	8. I hate school, if u do too then review!

Chappy 8:

Hey! When I posted this last time, someone reposted another story on top of it, or something….anyway, it was weird and if you read that chapter, I DIDN'T WRITE THAT! That has nothing to do with this story….bad writer whoever it was, fanfic needs to fix this issue if u ask me….please forgive me and read the REAL chapter, which isn't all that great anyway

Woot woot! A big clapclapclapping round to my reviewers! I heart u! 20, excluding myself! I thought id get like….0 reviews, but hey! If u guys like this stuff, ill keep going!

Review more tho cuz I like feeling loved! ( I NEVER get email!) I promise to read and review the peeps that review my stories, starting now! I don't care if it's just a smiley face for the review!

Ok, I bet no one even bothered reading that…. Ah well…..back to da story! O yeah!

Story:

It's coming

I promise

It's here!

Soon!

Now:

Ok, now:

Hehe, now you're probably annoyed so here it is, really:

Hehe, jk

SORRY, geez, no need to get all mad! Here it is:

So once upon a time Ron was jelly, this was all in the prevoious chapter, I know, but once upon a time he was jelly. Jelly is not a good thing to be. For one: you can get eaten. For two: you can feel real purple and sticky For three: It's just plain weird to be jelly, and For four: when your all done being jelly, and realize your allergic to jelly, well lets just say things aren't very pretty for Ron Weasley right now…………..

You see, graduation is really, really, REALLY close………like 5 days away! And here Ron is, having major allergic reactions to jelly! He had a big, fat purple tongue that Hermione says feels rather sticky and mushy for a tongue…….don't ask ME how she knows this! Ask her! Personally, I choose not to know…..but, what ever makes floats in your root beer float….

His other allergic reactions included, firey red freckles(which could have been related to the tomatoes or his hair, I don't know which…is he allergic to tomatoes?) Anyway, he also had an unusually large mole on his butt too, one that he never had before, in the shape of a jelly jar….according to Hermione…. Again, I don't wanna know….

But his most horrifying, gruesome, flabbergasting, exotic, odd, scariest, creepiest(idk, that mole sounds pretty creepy….), weirdest, most screamable reaction to the jelly was……………

He had caught the contagious disease known to all as: 1word2syllable disease! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……………………….

Ron, could only say pickle! That's ALL he could say until his allergies would finally wear off, and it didn't seem like it was going to be soon. Plus it's contagious, and well…..Hermione seems to be….how to word this…..AROUND him a lot. So naturally, she caught the horrid disease. But the only word she could say was: toenail.

This turned out to be….interesting, in their classes. Especailly potions. Their was a substitute (Snape was constipated) and it was that one dude from the 6th book…I don't remember his name….but he came out of retirement again to substitute for one day.

So, they had to make a potion and Hermione and Ron decided to work together. They had to make something called: Draught of the Hyper Snails. This made anyone who drank it, HYPER! So of course, Hermione does ALL the work and the potion is perfect. They are all told to try their potions and they do….yadda yadda……

Hermione and Ron are the only extremely hyper people. The potion was perfect! They were acting JUST like a hyper snail should: foaming salt out of their mouths(Rons salt was purple colored though), sliding all around the room as fast as possible, sniffing people's hair, etc. So the teacher was impressed. NEVER had it worked this well! Harry with his cheating book could do no better.

"AMAZING! How did you make yours so….special?"

"pickles"

"toenails"

"excuse me? Pickled toenails? Well there's something I've never seen before! And you added it to the Hyper Snails draught? Amazing affect! I would never guess….amazing"

Yadda yadda…..

Next class was transfiguration!

Ron, Hermione and Harry worked together. They had to transform one another into turkeys. Well Hermione transformed Ron into one and back again perfectly. Then she thought she was going to turn Harry into a turkey but Ron must of thought the same thing, they both tried and bumped into each other in the process, wands knocked together and Harry was defiantly not Harry, or a turkey. He was more of a ligeruky (part llama part tiger part turkey)

"Hermione Granger! Ron Weasley! What exactly were you trying to turn Harry into?"

"pickles"

"toenails"

"goodness gracious! How did a combination for pickle transformation and a toenail transformation make it into this….ligeruky?"

"…….toenails"

"PICKLES! PICKLES PICKLES!"

"Detentions for both of you! You will come to my office and try to describe exactly what the behavior for a ligerurky is, with movement as well as words! Now take HP, the hero of us all, to the hospital wing."

So they did so and spent a lovely afternoon, clucking like a turkey, pouncing like a tiger, and smelling like a llama; all while Professor McGonagall laughed her head off and clapped to the beats of her smartly enchanting brains. Harry got cured and came to watch too. His opinion of the scene: "It was great! Me and McGonagall laughed and laughed then broke out into a Howe down dance! It was great"

So lady laddayl laddt dddddddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…………….

Hermione and Ron's day continues like this until they get better. They finally find the cure! Just eat some pickles and clip your toenails! Yay! Problem solved!

Next chapter will be better and longer, im tired now tho

Dedicated to KT Spag


	9. i need a really random word

Chappy 9:

K, so, sry for the confusion with chapter 8! The first posting was not my work! I swear! Was that werid or what? I still don't understand what happened? Anyway, the right one is up, it's kinda lame anyway but o well…..heres a new one!

"If I had to to choose between farting and Barney, I would definatley choose Barney"

"Whos Barney?"

"O! hes a really cool dinosaur! Muggles have him on their tellvesion all the time! I love that show! When ever I'm home with the Dursleys I try to sneakily watch it!"

"o, well I guess an unextinct dinosaur is much cooler than smelly old farts!"

"Way cooler! He even sings! And…and dances! O, and he loves to share the love!"

"….okay, sure Harry"

They had been chatting about nonsense like this for a long time in the boys common room and they were all getting tired of Harry's new obsession.

So, blady blah, he talked on……………

Blah

Blah

Bladyblah

Blah blah

And they yelled for him to shut up and all was grand!

Meanwhile, back at the girls common room, Hermione was getting ready for the big graduation day. She decided to shave, for her first time ever! I know, it took a while. I wouldn't go look at her legs at the moment, they probably would not be pretty. I guess she never really cared before, right? Anyway, she cared now and Lavendar Brown as well as Parviti Patil, were teahing her how to do it because she had no idea how. Yupyupyup

So her leg was propped up on the sink and ready to go. She boogied down to a song of the Unicorns and got ready to shave.

Overexcitement and shaving kind of clash. This clash resulted in a huge cut on her shin. Shrieks of pain, similar sounding to that of a certain werewolf in a certain shrieking shack could be heard throughout Hogwarts, literally! It woke up the students who had fallen asleep doing there homework, it made Dumbledore jump a scream, "the grasshoppers are coming!" Harry struck his hero stance immediately, prepared to save any damsel in distress. The anteaters started eating cantaloupe instead of ants, and the porcupines of the world all ran away; ALL of them went to Mexico and really got good at shaking the maracas!

The cut was gone with a shake of a maraca…….I mean the wave of a wand! So it was gone, yadda yadda……blah blah

And her legs were shaved. She spent the whole day staring at her smooth legs. I mean, she literally sat in front to of the mirror, staring, until dinner time.

Harry and Ron, were feeling rather hungry and in the mood for some homourous stuff, so they left early. They soon spotted Malfoy in the hall. Harry struck hero stance, then charged at Malfoy with his arms like Superman. When he got to him he stopped and grinned. Then he suddenly hugged him tight and began to bellow out one of his hero's songs: "I love you, you love me…."

Malfoy freaked out! HE was so shocked and embarrassed that he didn't know what to do. A second later he did the only thing he could think of: get his groove on! HE went into the ultimate break dance, in rhythm to Harry's song. Hey, It did get Harry off him! Harry clapped along as he sang and soon a crowd formed. Dinner was forgotten and a party was started. The party only ended when Professor McGonagall and Professor Snape ruined it by doing some down right dirty dancing together. (Old-magical-people version of the movie! Haha)

So dinner in the great hall thus began. They had all peaches for dinner(A/N: Im eating a peach right now!) Hermione comes in and goes up to Lavander and stands there until she has a few people's attention.

"Look, my legs are shaved!"

While shes says this she pulls up her robes more and more to show her WHOLE leg. Lavender giggles and pulls Hermiones robes back down.

"I can see that just fine Hermione. And besides I already saw it, I helped you, remember?"

All the girls giggle and Hermione goes back to her seat with Harry and Ron.

Blah

Blah

Blah

Blah

Anyway, they eat peaches then they go out and the whole school jumps in the lake and performs a synchronized swimming performance with the Giant Squid. All Is fine and dandy.

Blah

Blah

Blah

Blah

They go to sleep. They wake up. Hermione never slept, just stared at her legs thoughtfully in the mirror, ALL night. Lavender comes into the restroom and thinks Hermione is odd. She reminds Lavender of dragon's cavity filled tooth.

"Do you like your newly shaved legs that much, Hermoine?"

"wha? Huh? O! no, im just thinking….maybe I should just let my hair gorw back and not shvae again."

"Why? You seemed happy with it! You look less like a caveman now"

"Well, actually I look less like a cavewoman"

"o, whatever!"

"It's just that…..I don't know! I'm just sad about it now."

"Why?"

"It's sad because, well, I've had that hair all my life!"

"…………………"

"Lavender? What's that look? Your not about to crack up on me now are you?"

"……...HHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha……………………………"

"MY self esteem has been lowered thanks to you!" Hermione brings her hand to her heart and lowers her head. She begins to sob but Lavender can't stop.

"……...HHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha……………………………"

And now I'll laugh at her too:

"……...HHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha……………………………"

And now we can all laugh at me together because I'm tired and I don't wanna continue the chapter! Yay! Now laugh at me peeps:

"……...HHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha……………………………"

Haha….wasn't that fun! Review if laughing rocks your flipflops! yEaH! You know what? I rock my flip flops!

The back of my head itches….is that weird? I think it's weird….

On Microsoft word, I have a kitty helping me type; it's my office assistant. Dudley doesn't use Microsoft word because 1)He's WAY too stupid to know how and 2) The wizard Office Assistant scares the crap out of him! Haha…HAHA ( this is were you laugh people!)

"……...HHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha……………………………"

Im thinking the next chapter will have more of the All powerful Dumbledore in it….and maybe some tissue boxes and bad hair days…..but I don't know for sure yet, u got any better ideas? (KT, whom I dedicated my last chapter to, can no longer suggest any! Look at eh trouble you caused me! Lol, jk)

Bye then! Review if ya feel up to it, I like mail and you're my only people that give me mail! See ya next chapter!


	10. rhinos are kewel and elbows rock

Chappy 10:

Woot woot! I've reached the double digits! O yeah! This one should be funnier than the last two…I was having a semi-typers block. You guys can give me suggestions I ya want! Some already have, thanks! I might use them….just not right now….this one is my own, it's pretty good….i hope…alright, ON WITH IT:

While Harry, Hermione, and Ron were prepping for graduation, Fred and George decide to go on an adventure. So they go and visit Lala land, which is a real place just turn left off of Idiocy Boulevard. Anyway, they go there to visit their Uncle Kay. But they get distracted by a shiny pointy object on Shininess Road. So they went there instead of to their Uncle's house. Here they discovered that the shiny pointy object was not an object at all, it was Princess Fork from Silverware Palace! It turns out she was there to get polish (like a day at the spa). Well both boys fell in love with her. Who wouldn't, she was four pronged!

They began to fight over her and it wasn't looking pretty. The princess called a servant spoon over to her and told the spoon to go call upon her mother, Queen Knife, who would come and settled this….dispute. So in comes Queen Knife riding on a plate of gold that's carried by 500 spoons. The spoons start poking Fred and George with no affect other than giggles. So the army of butcher knives comes in and that's when the giggle turn into shrieks! They aren't killed, thank goodness! Instead they are eaten by the Great Froggie of Pond-o-luscious Lake.

They need to get out of the frogs stomach as soon as possible, however, because you see, living in mucus, saliva, and flies isn't exactly healthy or sanitary! Plus, that HUGE, long tongue that the frog has, takes up wwwaaaayyyy to much room in there! I mean, come on! How are you supposed to live in a place like that? Are they supposed to sleep with the tongue as a bed and the flies as pillows while contantly getting rained on? No, that's just sick! (everyone say, "eeeeeeeewwwwww…….")

So Fred thinks they should climb up the nose. But George thinks they should come out naturally, if you know what I mean. They argue all night.

Argue….

Argue, argue

Argue, argue, argue………..

And now they are done arguing! Yay! They figured out a solution! They will each go out the way the other wanted to go out, to see which way is best. Then they will go back in and do it the way that ended up being best.

So Fred went out the frogs butt, and George went out the frogs nose. Fred came out covered in brown….stuff, and George came out covered in greenish-yellow…..stuff. They decided it was more fun to make the frog sneeze you out(rollercoaster, woot woot!) so they were trying to get eaten again, but the frog wouldn't because 1) They looked revolting 2) his butthole hurt like no other 3)one of his nostrils was now slightly enlarged more than the other was and 4) he had a dance party to go to, Fred and George couldn't dance, especially in da water!

So Fred and George decided to go frolic in the poppy flowers of lala land.

Laddyladdyladyyda!

Lalala

Frolicking

Frolicking

A strange girl who was too pale for her own good suddenly arrives along with another girl, a rather hyper girl. The pale girl told them they were frolicking wrong and frustratingly tried to correct them. They gladly took her lessons and they were practicing when the other girl cut in front of their path.

"Look, I'm a robot self-circuiting!"

She started shaking and moving her arms like a robot, AND hissing, squeaking, and going into just plain hysterics! It did have a similar effect to a robot self-circuiting….if you think about it. Anyway George was glad to join the strange girl, but for Fred liked the frolicking very much and continued with it. The girl went up and hit George across the face! It was horrible!

"What was that for?"

"Well, your gay! I like Fred better!"

"What? I'm not gay!"

"Well, your brother looks better than you! I like him better"

"…um….we look the SAME! What's the difference?"

"You smile too much!"

George was much hurt by his secret love and therefore stopped the robotic thingy. HE frolicked with Fred. The pale girl was much satisfied that they were finally doing it right and decided it was time to leave. The other girl followed her, while glaring at the evil smiling George.

"By frolic lady, thank you!" they shouted. Nothing was said to the strange hyper girl.

The boys decided they should now visit they're Uncle. So off they went…..visiting time!

Visit!

Time to visit!

This involved some walking!

Yay!

Walky walky

Walky walky walky

Walk walk walk and talk

Walk walk walk

George buys a basket and now they are skipping!

Skippy skippy

Skip skip skip

Skip skip skippdy lou!

Skippedy

Skip skip skip

And they are distracted by a horrifying sight! Dumbledore is also in lala land! In fact, he is rollerblading in lala land! Just rollering away! All around, all day!

They watch for a bit before Dumbledore strikes a starting pose. He starts a kind of dance routine with his skates. Like ice skating for muggles only this is roller blade dancing for wizards. He dances around in a super fast speed; occasionally jumping into splits and shouting "hooo huh!"

It was a quite humorous site. Well Fred and George like humor so they of course join. They get tipped for they amazing abilities with the roller-skates. It was pretty darn sweet!

Yupyupyup

Fred was just about to do a spin though, when a Muddy Monster comes and eats a random dude. It was bad. Poor random dude………

We will take this time to moroun the random dude…..poor thing….he was so good at being random too………

K, we are done with that! So Everyone screams and there is havoc in lala land. But it becomes all good when a muggle singer comes in and sings, "You make me wanna lala….." the theme song for this lovely land! Screams turn into…quietness, and madly moving arms turn into swaying arms. Candles are lit in respect to the theme song. The muddy mobster even joins.

When the song is over, havoc strikes again. Muddy Monster is going to take over lala land! Aaahhhhhhhhh………..poor uncle kay….they never got to say good bye before they die.

Hyper girl comes back screaming, "nnnooooo……….you can't hurt my Fred! Nnnnnnnnnooooooooo"

SMACK

She runs straight into the muddy monster and is no longer.

Another girl, whom they had never seen, sudden;y appears. She stares at the spot where the hyper girl disappeared and then begins to through Pointe shoes(toe shoes…whatever!) at the spot on the monster. She throws about 15 pairs then goes away again.

George is upset by complete loss of a loved one and goes and bites into that mud monster! He bites it hard, but of course, he just tastes fudge…..hey! he tastes fudge! YUM! He forgets hyper girl and happily eats away at monster. Fred joins, the poor and starving join, everyone in lala land joins and the mud monster, I mean CHOCOLATE monster, is gone. HOORAY! YAY!

So the monster is gone. They are so happy that Fred attempts to stuff a muggles telephone pole up his nose; it didn't work out well…

So George hands him a quill; he stuffs it up his nose. Harry comes with one already in his nose.

"Copycat!" Then he disappears.

Everyone in lala land saw that Harry the hero had one up his nose so they put one up their noses too.

Dumbledore sings while covering himself in scotch tape. Ten he bursts into tears when handed one of the quills for his nose and asks for a tissue box instead. They hand him an empty tissue box. He acts like it was normal to receive an empty one and uses the box for a tissue. Then puts it on his head and goes back to humming and taping. He is all powerful, so everyone puts tissue boxes on their heads too.

All is fine and dandy.

Dudley wakes up with a seriously bad hair day and cries, "o, mushrooms…"


	11. this title really makes sense

Chappy 11:

Thank you reviewers! I used some of your inspiration!

It's been a while, sorry! I've gotten busy; too many tests….stupid school! Ggrrr…..

O! I'm sorry that I spell bad and my grammar is off….if anyone cares, it's just that I type these really fast and I read them over fast to and the stupid spell checker doesn't work….so I'm sorry, it bothers me too…

Anyway, here it is! The hopefully long awaited chapter!

Harry sat there staring at the parchment. His pen was posed in the "ready to write position" and boy was he ready to write! He was just sssoooo excited to write an essay about how Sir Pampypoof was appointed Minister of Magic in 1856. Mr. Binns was impossible! Did he even teach that stuff? Harry wouldn't have known; he had spent the whole class in a snoring slumber. What he REALLY wanted to do was go free all the fish fingers into the wild! But alas, he had to write an essay. But hey, he was defnatly ready to do that essay! It was already two weeks late, and graduation was tonight, but it was his final grade, he was READY! Woot! Last essay!

The excitement of the essay was building….

He was so prepped and Ready to go….

……………

Nothing was coming out onto the paper?

Huh?

That's like totally wacked!

Harry continued to stare at the paper with confusion. Luckily, Hermione comes in and notices his dilemma.

"Harry, you have to actually touch the paper with the pen and actually draw letters that make words! ONTO the paper!"

"………..oh………"

"Oh, rolling elephants, give it here, I'LL do it! If I don't you'll take all night and miss your graduation!"

"………..oh………….."

So the paper got done by Hermione, Harry therefore got an A, blady blah.

GRADUATION TIME!

Graduation time over………..

Okay! Hermione decides to get a job, that's what you do after you graduate afterall! So she starts looking that very night…around 12 am………and finds one! Yay Hermione! Yay!

So, shes got a job.

Harry remembers that he is to kill or be killed by Voldemort so he doesn't want a job, it's not worth it. That was, afterall why he wanted to miss 7th year at the end of 6th year, wasn't it? It was.

He ponders………..

Ron is way too lazy to find a job that night so he ponders too.

Hermione goes to work.

Harry and Ron have their hands on each others chins and are looking up at the stars and pondering……….

Ponder…….

Ponder….. ponder……

They like pondering……

Ron's nose itches………

Ponder……..

Harry itches it….

Ponder ponder ponder……….

Ponder

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Ponder………

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Pondering done! Yay! Phew, that's was some pondering, that was! They better of had some good thoughts or ideas or something out of all that! (my fingers hurt from typing ponder over and over again. : ( )

So….

Now that that's over with, they share their ideas and such:

"If I were a beetle I would be an insect…"

"I want to go to a muggle house and play with those phones…like the time I tried to call you harry…."

"AWSOME! That's sounds great! Lets go!"

"yeah, it's the adult thing to do….i mea, we're socializing with muggles! Learning about them!"

"sure Ron…"

So, they went to the Durusleys house to play with the phones. Before they could call a random number the telemarketers call them.

"HELLO!"

"Yes, hi, I would like to speak to Mr or Mrs Dursely please."

"NO!"

"Why?

"I JUST FELT LIKE SAYING NO!"

"……….."

"I'LL GO ASK IF EITHER OF THEM WANT TO TALK TO YOU…"

"Thank you my dear boy"

"DON"T MENTION IT!"

Ron takes the phone away from his ear, Harry tells him to stop shouting. They plan what to say, Harry hates telemarketers, he always wanted to do this stuff….they would, "learn" about muggles later.

"HEY! Opps…sorry….um, Telemarketer dude? MR Durusley's at work."

"Mrs Dursely is I speak to her?"

"No"

"why?"

"She's a mute…wait! But we'll translate for her!"

"Okay, well tell her that I want to know if her windows are well off."

"She says No"

"Well, my company is a window company and we are willing to sell our window products to her, they are better than her windows now. Ask her what company her windows are from"

"She says she wants to know what company you are"

"We are the Wonder window factory"

"She says that's the company who made the windows she has now and she wants to kill you"

So that guy defiantly hung up. Harry and Ron thought that was funny. Before they had even finished laughing, another telemarketer called. Harry took this one.

"Hello?"

"Hi this is Jane from the Printing company…"

"Jane? Is that you? It is! Hey, Ron, guess what? It's Jane! Yay! Hi Jane!"

"……….Hi?"

"you remember me? O great flying harps, I can't believe it is you!"

"do I know you?"

"It's only ME! Jane! Jane! It's really you! I…."

She had hung up on him. ANOTHER telemarketer called! What is this! I hate typing and pressing "ENTER" so many times! Jeez! Stop calling you stupid telemarketers!

"Hello" Ron took it

"Howdy! I'm an American calling on behalf of your water supplies! Is your mommy there little boy?"

"huh? I'm 18 years old! I'm no little boy!"

"I'm sorry lad! Is she there though"

"no"

"What about your dad?"

"no"

"your sister?"

"no"

"okay, well could you take charge of this call? Do you think your parents are interested in fresh clean water?"

"no"

"No? So, they don't mind drinking dirty polluted kind"

"no"

"Well! That's something yall!"

"no"

The convo. Thus ended. Lucky for the poor typer. Phew!

Wait!

NNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooo………………

ANOTHER! Another telemarketer calls! When will the torture end!

Harry gets it

"hi"

"Hello! Is your mother home?"

"When will this end! IM not a little boy! Im almost 18! Stop asking for my mother you stupid people!"

"uum….okay, but I need to speak to her…"

"WHY NOT ME! I'm old enough!"

"….."

"I CAN BUY STUFF FROM YOU TOO IF I WANT TO! YOU ARE BEING RUDE…."

"Young man, I think you're the one being rude…."

"HA! Me , rude? Your just a telemarketer! ALL TELEMARKETERS ARE RUDE! YOU ALWAYS CALL! ME AND RON HERE ARE JUST TRYING TO CALL…..SOMEONE AND YOU TELEMARKETERS KEEP INTERUPTING US!"

"…Sir, I am not a telemarketer. I'm Mrs. Judy from across the street..."

"……………..oh……………."

"yes, so I would like to speak to your mother, Dudley, I need to have a chat with her as it is but maybe I should have a chat with her about how you answer phones too…."

"….no, I mean, YES! Yes, you need to talk to her about me! Yup, I'm Dudley! Sure, I'll get her! Be sure you mention that I think telemarketers are going to take over the world! Bye now!"

He ran and gave the phone to Dudley and tricked him into giving it to his mom by saying his dad wanted him(Dudley) to do it because he was his real, only, and m,anly son….yadda yadda, anyway, Dudley did it. He got into trouble, Harry and Ron left the house never to return again.

Yay! I've got to go! Stuff to do today! Boring stuff, but it is stuff! Byes guys!

O! and Happy Birthday to MYSPLEEN! Yay!


	12. shampoo:good smell but bad taste

Chappy 12:

Sup dawgs? Im ghetto-tastico today! So, sup? attempts to look ghetto im so cool…..

I wish I was ghetto, then I could be a cool dude and do some cool stunts, it would be cool. WAIT! OMG! Cool is ssooo not a ghetto word! gasp what is the ghetto word for cool? Aahh….im not cool! Opps…aaahhhh………...omg, omg, omg…………

O well, its all good anyways cuz I know that tissues float to the ground if you drop them! So there! Im still cool! Opps….i mean, im still….still…SWEET! no, that's not it….NARLEY!...nope….um……SUPER…even worse……hum…..well if any of you peeps out there wanna give me Ghetto 101, leave a review! I would think some more on it now but I think you came here for the story... so, yeah…here it is my sistas and broders!

So Harry was dancing with his favorite tissue. That's right, he friends with more then one tissue! But this one is his favorite so don't tell the others….promise to keep it a secret!

"I promise"

"HEY! I was talking to the readers Harry!"

"o, sorry…"

"You better be! Honestly, your making me type more than I have to…."

ANYWAY…..he dancing with the tissue and then he accidentally sneezes on it. It had green stuff all over it.

"Hey, Harry? You might want to go to Madame Promfery or something….green isn't the normal color….that must be infected boogers! Eewww…"

"Shut up you stupid…typer! You just scolded me for talking to you so why do you have to be such a hypocrite and start talking to me? Huh? Huh? Wanna piece of this?"

"well SORRY!" mumbles

"good! Now get on with the story!"

"yes sir…."

"I am NOT sir, I am….HERO to you!"

"yes, hero Harry"

"much better…."

SO, he sneezes green stuff on it. It is nasty but it is his FAVORITE tissue! Whats our poor hero to do?

He can't clean it magically, it might tear!

He can't clean it in the sink, it might tear!

He can't continue dancing, it might tear!

He flush it down the toilet, it might tear!

He can't cry into it, it might tear!

He can't lick it, it would taste REALLY nasty!

So what does he do?

He throws it away and goes onto his second favorite tissue, Ms. Puffs (the other one was Mr. Kleenex).

Ms. Puffs turned out to be a better dancer anyway….She floated with more, puffiness than Mr. Kleenex. Harry Potter soon became the best of friends with the tissue…I mean, Ms. Puffs! Yup, so much so that he stuck his tongue out at Ginny and started dating the tissue instead. They got married, somehow, and it turns out the tissue was a wonderful cook….until she used herself as an oven mitt…..that didn't go so well.

So now Harry is a widower…Mrs. Puffs Potter was burnt to death. It was such a beautiful funeral though! All the Puffs family came (the box she came in), even some Kleenex's came! Ron and Hermione were there too of course, I mean, it was Harry's wife….for two days.

So now Harry is back with Ginny…well not really he still thinks himself a hero, so he is still being a nobleman or whatever, but he likes her again after he gets over his wife. The poor widower….(is that what you call him?) poor him, anyway….

So after this episode, he makes his famous hero stance, then a new hero stance, and a new one, and a new one….maybe another one…..he goes to the mirror to see which one looks more heroic….he likes the original one…..poses in his original hero stance, and goes off to find Voldemort! REVENGE ON MRS. PUFFS POTTER! Even if he didn't kill her….REVENGE! Now it is officially war! He trots of still in his hero stance…sort of anyway….

A/N: hhmmm…should I wait for the next chapter to do some more about the revenge? Or now? This IS a rather short chapter…..only 2 pages and a half on Mocrosoft…..hhhmmmm……..i do have to go do homework though….so should I come back and type more or post now and write another chapter? Hhmm…..

I'll write another chapter! Sorry people if that's not what you wanted! But hey, it's not like I have a lot of readers as it is! There are thos select few…..I heart the people that actually read my stories! Yay! Go you! Woot woot! Pat yourselves on the back! Yay! K, ill stop….um, so yeah, ill write my BRILLIANT ideas for revenge in another chapter, it'll be great! Read read read! Yupyupyup! Review tooif you want! (I like feeling loved and actually getting mail! I don't care if your yelling, laughing, or just reviewing with a smiley….as long as I look popular with one "you got mail" message!) :D I heart you peeps!


	13. i need to use the urination stationhehe

Sry, I know it's been a while….okay, it might have been more than awhile…..my only excuse is, PHYSICS. My reason to continue after such a long time: PHYSICS. K? Explanation done. On with my story that is insanely weird and I am insanely scared of you people that actually read this and enjoy it.

Disclaimer: uh….do I still have to have this up? Ya'll know I don't own anything

O wait! I need to apologize for my many spelling errors! I'm sorry, I usually don't make such mistakes but I'm typing fast for this because if I don't ill get extremely bored, extremely fast! It's just a fanfic story anyway…ok on with the story!

We left Harry Potter when he was trotting off for revenge...right? Right. Okay, so off he went….trotting. He liked his little trot. He felt like a horse and feeling thus accomplished, he began to canter. He then began to neigh eat grass…no wait that's cows…..eat the hay that appeared from, uh, his wand! He ate the hay coming from his wand and neighed like a happy horse running in the June summer winds of some place that happened to have fields for horses to canter in.

He continued this all the way to Voldemort's humble abode, where Voldemort was currently serving tea to his guests: Ms. Fluffy-bunny, Mr. Ribbetty, Mrs. Snopsco, and a few death eaters. The death eaters had the most disgusted of faces on and they were all looking at Voldemort with such faces, probably because he was wearing a nice frilly apron.

Harry decides to stay away for a bit to watch the sun set and to remember how Voldemort was so mean to Ms. Puffs!

So when the sun set Voldemort's tea party was beginning to go down hill. Mrs. Snopsco, the white stuffed goose that Voldemort loved as a kid in an orphanage, was currently refusing to drink her tea. Voldemort through a fit when he realized the OTHER stuffed animals wouldn't drink either.

"Crucio!"

"Crucio!"

"Crucio!"

The toys began shaking and shaking around.

"Avada Kedavera!"

"Avada Kedavera!"

"Adva Kedavera!" (I can't spell)

The toys were burnt to crisps.

Voldemort cried and cried. Harry realized this was an emotional moment for Voldemort and came out of hiding to pat him on the back. The death eaters didn't like that plan too well and began to cry with helplessness. This reminded Harry that he wasn't here to sympathize with Voldemort, after all Mrs. Puffs was dead and the death had been blamed on Voldemort…..

So Harry runs back to his hiding place, the death eaters go back to looking disgusted, and Voldemort runs to Harry hiding spot to hide too.

"Hi-ya Harry! Are we playing sardines? I found you first! Yay! So lovely for you to show up for my tea party….maybe YOU'LL drink my tea?"

Harry stuck his bottom teeth out and instead of neighing like a horse he growled like a dinosaur and bucking like a deer. His hooves, I mean….shoes, his shoes hot Voldemort in the chin. He then took out his wand and pointed it at Voldemort. He had won the….he had won! YAY! Voldemort would now die! Revenge for Mrs. Puffs!

But Harry had forgotten that Voldemort had his own wand. Voldemort pointed his own wand at his chin and it no longer bled. Plus he had taken Harry's wand and now HE had won! Yay! He is ruler of the world! Yay! Now what?

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After that long thoughtful time, Voldemort decided that it was boring to be ruler if Harry wasn't being chased or vise versa. There was no excitement. He released Harry and went inside his humble abode which wasn't so humble anymore because Voldemort had just realized that he was depressed.

Harry went back home too, although he felt positively jubilant! He was still a hero because now Voldemort was so depressed that he wouldn't be bothersome anymore! Yay!

For the next year Voldemort did nothing but cry, sleep, and eat horseradish. He became overweight, sleepy, and wet. When reminded of his murder of poor Mrs. Snopsco, he bawled even harder and sunk into deeper depression.

This was so….until he met Petunia. Petunia was passing out horseradish to all her neighbors to celebrate her birthday. Voldemort had been visiting her neighbor because he was a physiatrist and Voldemort a reverted to the muggle ways of healing. Voldemort answered the door and was in love with the horse-like woman on the welcome mat. When he found out her favorite food was horseradish too, well, he was in love. They stood there looking at each other for hours. Voldemort was in a daydream where Petunia was in his arms and she was neighing, and neighing, and neighing………….

It was beautiful.

They ran away together to an island of the coast of Britain known as "horsey-doo-doo Island." It was a magical island made by horse poop. There, the two spent the whole year and lived happily……

And then it was time to part because Petunia needed to go kill Vernon so that she could marry Voldemort. (They didn't realize that this was necessary until just now).

She never came back but she wrote often….she said she was just looking for the right time to murder him.

Ten years passed. Harry was now 25 or so, Voldemort was not mortal, and Petunia was around 87.89765 (her birthday was coming). Voldemort had waited so long and finally Petunia was returning to him, only she had a little girl with her.

This little girl was VERY pale, red eyes, hair the exact color of Petunia's, and disgusting slits for a nose. This was Voldemort's daughter. He was a dad! This girl was more evil than him! SHE was the one who got tired of Petunia's shaky hands, and she was the one who to the knife and killed Vernon! She was very magical, but Hogwarts wouldn't have her because she was evil and Petunia wouldn't allow it. Voldemort was happy with the girl, angry with Petunia (but not too angry because he didn't kill her, just changed her into a horse). He began to teach the daughter everything he knew. His spirits were back and he would finally kill Harry because now he had a family to live with and keep him company when he ruled the world. Oh, and Petunia never named the child, she was too scared, so Voldemort named her: Parsley Hayer Riddle. Don't ask ME why….he hasn't told me the reason yet. You'll find out in the next chapter.


	14. short, but i'm taller then u all

Alrighty lets starty the nexty chappy instead of studying for testy westy!

………….

Where was I?

……..Oh yes! I left off with Parsley Hayer Riddle.

So here it goes….NOW:

Parsley Hayer Riddle…..was OFF to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of….the Dark Arts. MMmmuuaaahhhaaaa…………..and she found him. As I said in the last chapter. And he gave her the name: Parsley Hayer Riddle. She liked the name. It suited her evilness. It was….evil. As you know reader, Parsley is her first name.

Daddy-Voldie gave her that name because his FAVORITE food is Parsley. It's so green and….green. Plus, horses eat it. Voldie is really attracted to horses, why else would he fall in love with the horse-looking Petunia in the last chapter, which itself was based on horses? SO, Hayer was her middle name because "er" is what Harry says a lot and he Had to counter it, and "Hay" is again, related to horses. Riddle is her last name, but NOT becausehis last name was Riddle! (remember, he hated that name!) It is Riddle because on the first day they met, she happened to blow into fire his beloved riddles book on horses, just by looking at it! He was sad for his book, a funeral was conducted, she was grounded and was not aloud to look at anything for a week, and he choose the name thus. He also had a minor, second middle name for her: Eek, because that was a cool city in Alaska. So her whole name is really Parsley Hayer Eek Riddle. Plus she had to have an evil name for when she is doing evil things. Voldemort resorted to the internet and found and evil name generator. On this site he was able to give her this evil name: Flamewitch The Sorcerous of the MagicBlaze. Plus, she needed a name for a disguise. He then resorted to the quick character name generator and gave her: Haurodrothaur.

So he taught her lessons of dark evilness. And she was so ready that she published a few evil books titled things like: Uga-Boga, Ima Gonn Aget U, and Potter will soon be a Planter. She found her titles to be especially creative.

Anyway, she meets Harry Potter as Haurodrothaur. She pretends to be his friend for about a year or so. Meanwhile, she tells Daddy-Voldie EVERYTHING. She even told him about the time he picked her nose for her, their first "kiss" together, and the time Harry clogged the toilet….but enough of that, you get the point. Harry is obviously in love with Haurodrothaur.

Haurodrothaur is evil.

Harry Potter is not.

That is a problem.

He picked a slit for a nose and yet it still doesn't register that something is not right.

He gazes into her RED eyes and yet remains oblivious.

He struts and flips his hair and poses in his beloved hero stance, way more than he should, and just for her.

Haurodrothaur is evil.

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Harry Potter is stupid.

NO! Harry! Stay away from the Red and balck light! Nnnnnnnnnnnoo………..

It's too late. Harry Potter is ………………..

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Gothic.

And if I'm not mistaken, soon to become dead, fried and sauted shrimp bits (with a dusting of brown sugar) for a couple of slit-nose-red-eye-ugly-evil-too-many-names-family-members.

AAAAAAAAaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

BE AFRAID.

I AM.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH……………….


	15. how do you spell hyiena? hiyena?

I hate research papers….so on to another (probably very short) chapter!

It was a dark, cold, and dreary night….like it always is in a scary place. Parsley, I mean, Haurodrothaur. (sshh..shes in disguise), well, she was climbing a giraffe's neck. It was a very big neck. But it was warm and the air was cold so she clung to it like a milk carton clings to an envelope. She crippty, crawled up and up, till she reached the head. The head stuck out a LONG, slimy thing and licked her face so hard that she went flying acroos the world all the way back to Britan. Giraffe travel is common with the dark wizards you see. How else was she supposed to get from her dads secret headquarters in Africa, all the way to Hogwarts, and in less than a day? I know, it's impossible, without a handy giraffe.

So she had just come back from a night of telling her father secrets. It was a very secretive and whispery time in the desserts of Africa. Except for the war dance they participated in with the neighboring African tribe. They had no idea the dance was preparation for a war on themselves! Maybe that was part of the trick…the enemy invites the enemy for a dance then attempts murder. Luckily, the tribe only had wooden clubs to beat them with and they were able to escape out of there places on the fire. Voldemort had always thought his neighbors were nice…why they picked that random moment to try to eat them, he'll never know. Anyway, the dance/trick/treachery/neighborly love gave him a marvelous idea. He was feeling rather splendid about it. He hatched his plan like you would hatch a dinosaur egg. Then he told Parsley and then she was Giraffe traveled back to Britain.

She had already won Harry's love, and he was now gothic. Gothicness made him feel positively splendid, just like every other Goth would feel. The only thing was, he wasn't REALLY Goth. For example, instead of black and red, he wore gray and brown. He also adored wearing this hideous makeup around his eyes that was supposed to make his eyes look wider. He already had bug-eyes to begin with!

Okay, so Harry loves mirrors and Haurodrothaur. So which is his final betrayer?

Yeah, I don't know either.

SO, Haurodrothaur's plan is to have a party! Yay! It's party time! Bring out the chocolate milk and tennis shoes! Don't forget the walrus or the spell checker!

So anyway, this is her invitation:

To Harry,

Your invited! Yur invited! UR invited!

HIHO hippity, we're gonna PARTAY!

Who: YOU

What: a party!

When: next Tuesday

Where: a yard

Why: because the yard will be green with grass

How: by flying through a portkey(it's a mirror)

So Harry decided to go because of two reasons: 1) a mirror is his portkey! Yay! 2)THE GRASS IN THE YARD IS GREEN! If that's not a good reason to celebrate, I don't know what is!

So next Tuesday roles around and he is fascinated by the portkey, and goes to the party. The party takes him to a very green yard. YYYEESSS!

"YAY for green", Harry says!

Haurodrothaur smirks and changes it to red.

"NNnnnooooo…."

"yyeess" Vlodemort says as he comes out of the now blood red earth.

"NNnnnnoooo…."

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"O fine, have it your way, I don't see why the grass HAS to be red, I mean, green is a MUCH better party color, don't you think Haurodrothaur?"

"I am not Haurodrothaur"

"Yes you are"

"no, im not"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"FINE, I'll never get my way around here? What is your name then, my love?"

"im not your love."

"yes you are"

"No"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"FINE! I clearly don't know you! Who are you and what is voldemort doing here?"

"I am her father"

"oh really? Well that explains the red eyes, the red grass…the RED!"

"yup"

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"So….what about the party?"

"There is no party, only a murder."

"of….me?"

"yup"

"oh"

"yup"

"When?"

"NOW"

It was a sunny, gay, green day, as it always is on good days. They sun was bright. The grass was green….and Harry had just scared Voldemort and his daughter away. How? Well, by merrily giving his last words. They made the stupid mistake that all villains make, by saying, "Any last words" before killing him. Harry had said, "Actually, there's is a few things I'd like to say…." And after about an hour of his speech they ran. I feel asleep after a while of it, but I will tell you of the words I did hear:

"I'd like to say that, I tried, dear Mrs. Puffs. I'm sorry Mr. Kleenex and good riddance Miss Cottonelle! I'd like my parents to know that I'm on my way to see them"(he breaks into tears) "And I'd like my owl, Hedwig, to enjoy her retired life…she deserves it that ol' bird." (he chuckles a bit and then crys) "I'll miss my friends, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny. Have fun fFred and George…." (yadda yadda) "I'd like to thank all the little people for believing in me and my heroicness. I'm sorry I let you guys down….." (more yadda) "Oh! I almost forgot! I'd like for us to remember that special day in the hardware store, man, those were some good times… And the time I slid down that one slide! Yeah, that was fun….. Oh, that reminds me of the time I went out to eat and I ate! Wow, the things you remember when you're about to die…." (more and more yadda) "…I just would NOT stop peeing on that old lady……" (this is the part where I start to doze off so the words aren't pieced well) "……that was a fun time too, especially when I brought out that one glass jar and used it to sled down that hill! Good times…good times………and before I die id like to remember the poor bee I stepped on when I was 5. I'm sorry bee. Please don't sting me when I join you up there…………………..(im asleep, evil people run, I wake up at the end of the speech) "And lastly, I'd just like to recall the time that the flashlight worked in the woods, and the time that I thought I was in Asia but I was really just in the middle of the road, and, of course, the time I listened to the wind and sang the Pocahontas song then ran inside the Hogwarts castle and painted my legs red so I would have skin the color of the Indian people. Goodbye fair world…Goodbye. I shall miss you and all the fond memoris….hey! Where are my killers? Oh well, guess I'm alive for a bit longer. I recite my 'nevermind-I'm-still-here-speech'. I shall begin with…."

And that's where I flat out gave up listening to him! I don't want to hear anymore! Phew that was an exhausting write up there! I'm going to sleep now. I'm tired. Poop to yoop you stupid research paper! POOP TO YOOP! Aarrggghhh….I give up on writing that thing! I'll just fail! Bye people! Thanks for reading my nonsense and thanks for enjoying it, or hating it! 


	16. boo!

So we left off with BAD spelling mistakes, Harry's speech, and a gambling/flying/printing-crazy/garden-loving Hippo….right? Right. So………………………….wait, I didn't get to the Hippo yet did I. Opps, well I could skip it, nah its important to the plot and character development…..well, actually it had nothing to do with anything….oh I'll just tell it to you!

Harry was attempting to bring the grass back to a decent colored green when he got bored and deceided to go hunting because The Purple Forest was just off to his right. Purple is a bad color(in my opinion and Harry's) so he hunted in it even though there was a notice that read, "Warning: Do not kill anything yellow, or fluffy"

The forest was purple and pointy. The trees reeked off purple scents. The lavender trees poked at his ribs, and there was nothing alive but Harry…so far. He was drenched in a purple sweat after only 20 min. in the horrid wilderness. Harry heard a sound coming from a far off bush on his left. It sounded like money flickering, a swish, a muggle printer, and a old lady, ALL at the same time! It scared him so much that he made an uh-oh in his pants and was forced to take off his underwear and put it on his head.

His underwear was purple.

It was bad.

Suddenly out pranced the gambling/flying/printing-crazy/garden-loving Hippo.

It was purple.

And fat.

And purple.

So it was half flying, half leaping, shuffling cards, and sniffing flower as he dragged a printer by it's cord.

The printer was purple.

The cards were purple.

The flower was fake, the color yellow and very fluffy.

It pranced around Harry, giggling and sniffing. The noise of such as sniff truly fascinated Harry, or just made him stare oddly. The gambling/flying/printing-crazy/garden-loving Hippo plugged the printer into a outlet that happened to be in one if the dead purple logs. The gambling/flying/printing-crazy/garden-loving Hippo then put a card into it and it came out again. The printer wasn't working the way it should. The gambling/flying/printing-crazy/garden-loving Hippo didn't seem to notice though because he screamed with joy at the site of the cards reappearance. He out another card in and cheered even louder when it came back out. He did this for the whole deck. THE WHOLE ENTIRE PURPLE CARD DECK!

Harry just stared.

The gambling/flying/printing-crazy/garden-loving Hippo then bet on a win with a purple centipede. The gambling/flying/printing-crazy/garden-loving Hippo won. He smashed the centipede.

It's okay, it as purple.

The gambling/flying/printing-crazy/garden-loving Hippo continued to do gambling/flying/printing-crazy/garden-loving Hippo things. He had fun( and yes, the gambling/flying/printing-crazy/garden-loving Hippo is a HE) .

The gambling/flying/printing-crazy/garden-loving Hippo did all of this while Harry stared. Finally the gambling/flying/printing-crazy/garden-loving Hippo grew tired. He stopped in front of Harry and yawned.

Harry pulled out his wand and used it as if it were a gun.

BAAMM!

No more gambling/flying/printing-crazy/garden-loving Hippo. A petal from the fluffy, fake, yellow flower fell to the ground. An alarm went off. Purple flashing lights where everywhere! It was a disaster! He ahd hurt a yellow fluff-fluff! He ran for it. But

Harry still dragged the Hippo home and there was a lovely feast at Hogwarts that night. But then the Purple forest guardian police people arrested Harry and he was going to be put on trial because he claims it was "an accident"

No one cared that a bunch of students ate a hippo; they only cared about that yellow fluffy flower that Harry murdered! The trial was long and included a lot of nose picking. Harry got close to reaching his goal of completely clean nostrils when they had reached their verdict. The wizard jury decided that Harry was only trying to save the forest from the gambling/flying/printing-crazy/garden-loving Hippo. Killing the flower was all his scar's fault. The scar was to blame because it was the obvious murderer of all things yellow and fluffy. It was merrily just a bit of Voldemort coming out of him. They sentenced Harry to some muggle counseling because wizards find that shrinks are the only genius people out of the muggle race. As for the scar, they were planning on taking it off of Harry through surgery, but Harry showed them that it was Velcro-attached onto his head from a previous accident. So he got to keep it on because it enhanced his features. No one seemed to care that the Velcro-scar was countering their descision….oh well!

Poor gambling/flying/printing-crazy/garden-loving Hippo….but it WAS purple! Plus, gambling is bad!

Okay, that was dumb but I was bored of studying for exams so sue me! (haha…sue me…wizard jury…hahaha…)


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